I Need A Change

I’m struggling. I'm really struggling.

I don’t want to appear weak. I can’t appear weak. I live with a man that thrives on being strong and facing things head on. That isn’t me. I’m the kind that hunkers down on the couch, under a blanket, with the tv blaring so I can’t hear my own thoughts.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel like I need a change. I need a change of scenery, a change of location, a change of mind and space, and a change of self. I’m tired of living life in a rush. I want to slow down and enjoy the town in which I live.

Right now, I don’t enjoy much about living here anymore. I’ve lived in this town for 33 years, and I’ve watched it change from a small town to an overrun corporate city. Big corporations and businesses on almost every corner have pushed out the Mom & Pop small businesses we used to know so well. I miss small businesses. I miss small towns.

One Sunday, a few months ago, at five o’clock in the MORNING, a car had it’s radio blaring mediocre 90’s music, and it woke me up. At first, I tossed and turned, and huffed and puffed, and threw blankets around to show my irritation, but that quickly turned to anger when it continued after thirty minutes. I finally got so annoyed that I got dressed and went downstairs to confront them. I told them it was f’ing rude to be blaring music at FIVE A.M. waking people up. I wasn’t nice. And I’m not sorry.

A few days later, I finally made a statement to my next door neighbors about their dog. It is a small, yappy dog that has no training. It just barks ALLLLLLLLL DAAAAAAAAAAY LOOOOOOOOOOOONG. All day. Every day. And they don’t care.
I wrote a note and stuck it on their door telling them to shut up their dog, but that didn’t seem to help much. It hasn’t stopped.

Have I become that neighbor? The one that complains about everything?
Maybe it’s just a clear indication that I really do need a change.  

Making a small change

By now, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I changed the heading for this blog. I guess I thought it was time for a small change.

Years ago, this site was started so I could talk about NASCAR. Everything NASCAR was supposed to happen on this site. However, parts of my life became something I wanted to document as well, so I put it all in one place. It became a little confusing, so I decided it would just be a blog about everything I say.

The web address will stay the same, so don’t worry about having to remember another one. I’m all about making this easy for me too.

Change

I’ve written about change so many times, it’s hard to count. However, since this program keeps track for me, the number is eleven.

Another big change has made its way through our home, and although SS and I are not thrilled about it, I can tell you that the feeling of wanting to kill myself every morning, has gone away. I finally sleep peacefully at night. And that in itself, makes me happy.

When I decided to go back to school, it was because I was in a job I no longer enjoyed and wanted something different out of life. I set out in search of something that made me happy. Something that would make me feel like I’d finally made it in life. I went back to work knowing that it would be temporary and I’d be able to leave on my terms. Then school closed and I suddenly felt like my option to leave was gone. The feelings I was having, were not what I wanted from my future. The crying, the anxiety, the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough for them, just got to be too much, so I walked away.

With the exception of money trouble now that I don’t have a job, I’m so much happier and don’t regret walking away. I’m sure my bosses were not happy with me, and probably would like to yell and say a few words to me, but they too will move on, and we will all be better people for it.

The struggle to find a new job will be stressful, I have no doubt, but I will make it through this, just as I have made it through other things.

Change. It’s just part of life.

 

I didn’t change, my priorities did

Marriage:
any of the diverse forms of interpersonal union established in various parts of the world to form a familial bond that is recognized legally, religiously, or socially, granting the participating partners mutual conjugal rights and responsibilities.

Marriage. Something that has scared the crap out of me from the moment I realized my last one was over.

I wasn’t the perfect wife. In fact, I was the exact opposite. I didn’t take care of our house. It was often a mess of papers and overflowing trashcans. I didn’t cook. We ate out a lot or The X would make some sort of meat and noodle mixture he thought would save us from starvation. It did. A few times.

When my marriage ended, I knew for sure it wasn’t something I was going to do again. I wasn’t any good at it, and didn’t really feel like putting any effort into fixing it. When I met Jeffy and found out we could never get married because I wasn’t Jewish, I still didn’t worry about it. Put it all on the back burner, and continued living life as I always have.

Then I met my former RM#1. She was amazing. She cleaned the house every single day. She cooked dinner every single day. Things were always so perfect in her life because she put the effort into making them perfect. And I can say all this with certainty, because I was there to see it. Every day.

Congrats on RM#1’s wedding, by the way. They just got married in Africa. Perfect for them.

When I moved in with SS last month, I made a promise to myself not to be that same horrible wife I was to The X. I made a promise that I would make a conscious effort to be perfect. And it shows. SS and I are nowhere near ready to even begin talking about marriage, but it is nice to know that option is on the table now. All because I gave up that stupid bad girl attitude and realized my future would be grim if I didn’t get shit figured out. And he’s totally worth it. Especially when I come into the living room and see this….

Change

The progression from baby to young child, doesn’t happen overnight. But when you don’t see them every day, it’s kind of like it DOES happens overnight.

It’s been over two years since I’ve been to see my Mom’s side of the family, and so much has changed.

I used to watch this little guy run around the seven acres up there without even realizing he’s running on ROCKS or SHARP TREE BRANCHES. Ouch! Stopped me in my tracks when I heard him say, “I can’t run that fast. The rocks hurt my feet.” I immediately flashed back to a time when it didn’t matter to him as he sat down to put on socks and shoes.

It used to be a house where Tequila flew like water. When I got here, there was none. My first birthday drink consisted of Vodka and Sweet & Sour. (For the record, it wasn’t good. Don’t try it.)  :-/

It used to be a house that was almost busting at the seams with teenage kids, for as far back as I can remember. This trip, not one teenager was in sight. In fact, their rooms had been converted to spare bedrooms. With fresh flowers and mints on the pillows. And in my room, there was an electric heater and an extra blanket. Yay for being a guest in someone else’s house. :-)

Change. It’s pretty awesome sometimes.

Another Lesson Learned

For the last few months, I've gone through a whirlwind of emotions. At first, things were great. I started dating someone I considered to be a very good friend. Someone I was comfortable around. Someone I knew I could have a good time with. We did fun things together, took trips, experienced things we'd never done before, together. It was an amazing few months.
Along with a new relationship, came new responsibilities. Things others wouldn't allow me to get away with, I now could. And things I had been getting away with in the past, suddenly were halted. I learned new things about what I like and don't like, and what I need and don't need. Important things. Things that made a difference to my happiness.

I began to become unsure about what I wanted and needed from him. I was too set in my ways to accept change, yet knew I needed it. I tried to welcome the changes, but things just unraveled in my mind, and I couldn't undo the feelings I was having. Friends and family tried to encouraged the relationship to continue, because THEY wanted us to be together.

Then, a voice from the past caught up with me. A voice that said, "This isn't really what you want. Your heart isn't into this. Stop before someone gets hurt."

So stop I did. We parted ways, vowing to remain the friends we were before.

Dear Lord, please help me accept these changes for the better. No matter how hard they seem, they are best.

Big Change #1

I am moving.

RM#1 and RM#2 bought a house. A 2600 square foot house on five acres. Yay. For. Them.

In less than thirty days, I will pick up everything I own, and move. It’s been over three and a half years since I’ve seen some of the stuff in my room, and yesterday when a friend came by to help go through stuff, I was shocked at some of the stuff I found.

Probation papers, birthday cards from The X, blank divorce forms, life insurance policies The X and I used to have for RJ, favorite photos of JK and I together that I’ve never wanted to throw away, and notebooks full of old thoughts and notes to God I’d jotted down between the ages of twelve and twenty-seven, all laid out before me on my bed and floor.

I felt overwhelmed. I felt as if I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared to move so quickly. I needed more time.

I stood, looking around at the mess I’d created. I looked at my friend, who was smiling at me, took a deep breath with my eyes closed, and sat back down. My troubles were not anywhere near as big as his. And for just a moment, I was grateful for it.

We sifted through stack after stack, drawer after drawer, and it was suddenly easy. I didn’t find trouble in throwing things away. Just a little change in perspective was all I needed.

I’m excited to be moving for a number of reasons.

1. It’s FIVE ACRES. Know what that means? That means no more dogs barking outside my bedroom window every morning. They’ll have their own section of the property. Know what else that means? That means the birds will have their own section of the property too. Maybe an acre each?
2. Some of the neighbors we currently have, are annoying. It’s just the luck of the draw when new people move in around you. Soon we will have NO neighbors. Well, at least not any within five acres.
3. So. Much. More. Room. To. Move. Around.
4. It’s zoned for RM#2 to own a bear, so a bear is what he’ll be getting. Yes, you heard that right. We will be getting a bear cub. (insert the overjoyous smile I’m holding back, here)

There are two downsides to it.

1. It’s an added 25 minutes to my daily commute (one way). Yay for longer times in traffic.
2. I will no longer be just down the street from my bff@work. This makes me very sad. I’ve enjoyed being able to just stop by for a few hours whenever I’ve wanted. Knowing I can just walk in without knocking (so I’ve been told), lets me know I’m not only welcome, but loved. I will miss them most of all.

T-minus 26 days. And counting.

Live & Learn

As I get older and my relationships with people change, I learn more and more. I don't just go through life taking for granted everything that happens and never learning from mistakes or wrong decisions I've made. It's not how I was raised, and it's not how I've lived my life thus far.

The very first time I met JK, he got me into trouble at work. It was minor, and I laugh about it today, but it was trouble nonetheless. Perhaps it was his way of saying "notice me". Who knows. Whatever it was, I remember thinking to myself, "Why has this person been put into my life?" After six very long and exhausting years, I was finally able to answer that question.

The very first time I met Squid, I laughed. My then stepdaughters and I continually made fun of his nickname and couldn't believe this was the guy Sis was dating. I even remember saying to one of my stepdaughters, "I hope he's not around long." It's been seven years, and every day I'm reminded about how grateful I am to have him still in my life today. 

The very first time I met bff@work, he came into my office being loud and obnoxious, demanding something I couldn't provide to him. I was annoyed and remember thinking, "What did I do NOW?" Four years later, I have that answer too.

My point is, it may not be right away, but eventually there does come a time when things just become obvious. And I like that. It's so much easier to understand something when the answers are right in front of me. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I'm just not smart enough to figure it out on my own.

-v

The Story

July of 2005 was supposed to be the happiest month of my life thus far. It was supposed to be filled with summer swimming, warm nights in the park, fun in the sun, sleeping in late, and my son’s fifth birthday.

Here’s the cute birthday invitations I made up…

We were going to have a big party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Friends and family were all invited to celebrate him turning the big F.I.V.E.!

A few days ago, I talked about my laptop being sick. I ended up having to replace the hard drive. (Yay for bigger and faster.) While going through some very old files on an old disc I found, I accidentally stumbled upon something I’m sure I was never meant to see. It’s a story, written by my oldest stepdaughter, of the tragic events that led to the removal of me from our home, just days before my son’s birthday. It was the story of a scared mom, who robbed the innocence of a five year old boy, and two teenage girls.

I saved the Word document on my desktop. It’s been two days, and I’ve opened it and read it about 30 times, and every time I do, I’m caught wiping the tears before I can get to page two. Reading the heart wrenching details, as seen through the eyes of a then 14 year old teenage girl, makes reading it even harder. I try to read it as if I’m a third party, but when the words become actions, a cold chill runs through my body and I feel as if I’m standing in a corner of the room watching everything unfold. And let me tell you, that seeing the pain and extreme fear in the eyes of the children you’re supposed to be protecting, is the worst feeling that could be placed upon me. All the days/nights/weeks/months spent in a jail cell, crying to get out, don’t even come close to the sadness I feel when I see the uneasiness in my son’s eyes today, six years later.

There are a lot of things about that day that I’ve been able to come to terms with. I was given the chance to apologize to The X last year, and although I’m not certain he took it as such, I have been able to let that part go. I feel I did what I could to show I was sorry. Being able to sit down and apologize to his two daughters is not something that will probably ever happen. They don’t want anything to do with me, and I honestly can’t say I blame them. I’m totally okay with it. I just wish they knew how different I am today. I just wish they knew how sorry I was for what I did and what I caused them to go through.

And on that note, I will say…Change can be an amazing thing. It allows people to start over and become the person they WANT to be, not the person they were raised to be.

Change

Change is a tricky thing. Sometimes I'm totally okay with it, sometimes I'm not. Perhaps it's the way in which change is brought upon me that makes the difference. Letting me know ahead of time that something is going to change is always better than just springing it on me.

For weeks I've been listening to the XM dj's talk about the channel lineup change that was going to be happening on May 4th. Actually, to be honest, I normally change the channel when they start to talk, so I'm not exactly sure I can honestly say I listened to them. However, I do remember mentioning it to JK about a week ago and thinking back now, I think I said that all three of my channels would now be together. One right after/before the other. Awesome. No more entering the number in manually while I'm driving. Fab.

This morning, I had to be at work earlier than usual, so my normal morning routines were thrown off just a tad. Not much, just alilbit. I got into my car, and as I'm driving off, I hear strange different things coming out of my speakers. For just a moment, I had forgotten about the channel change. I frantically searched through the deep memories of my brain trying to remember what channels I mentioned during my conversation with JK last week. Think, think, think. What did I say? Oh! I remember the dj making a joke about "not 69, it's 59 people!"

And there it was. The sweetest sound in the whole world. The sound of Country Music.

I welcome this change. Bring on another!

Change is inevitable

My mind races all the time. My thoughts are often thrown together because they all collide from being too crowded in such a small space. Sometimes, horrible things happen when two or more thoughts become verbal words or actions. Realizing this has been a huge battle for me, but I finally completely understand it. Whew! And I’m exhausted.

What do you do when something is festering inside you that you just have to get out? What do you do when you know deep down inside that you have to make one of the biggest apologies yet to date? Not because you feel obligated, but because it’s truly what you feel. What do you do when you’re ready to defeat the asshole pride monster you let take over more times than you want to admit? What do you do when you think others will see your apology as just another fake wolf cry instead of the heartfelt emotion it’s meant to be?

I can’t talk to JK about it, because he’ll never let me live it down. The kind of criticism I will initially receive from him, I’m not prepared to deal with. I can’t willingly put myself in that position just yet. I can’t talk to LZ about it, because if she hasn’t ever been in that situation, she’s hesitant about giving advice she thinks I’ll actually take. I can’t talk to RM#1 about it, because she’ll keep bringing up reasons for me not to do it based on previous “situations”. I can’t talk to anyone at work about it, because it’s just not story time at the ranch right now.

With every passing day, I’m reminded of step 8 (made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all). My list used to be long. Kind of like Earl’s from the television show. Now it only has a few names. Some days I feel like a few of the names will never come off because amends just aren’t possible. That’s when the little voice inside me says, “it’s not about them, Val.”

-Valerie-

Today…

…I did not get mad. I listened to someone yell, then throw a pen at my desk (unsatisfied at how it was writing). I listened to someone yell some more, and throw another pen at my desk (again, unsatisfied). This time, the pen exploded all over my desk, all over the floor, and all over my jeans. Then, to make matters worse, I was told to clean it up.

Today…I did not get mad.

I am grateful for whatever helped me get up and walk away, but the hole in my tongue from biting is not grateful.

I Give Up.

I never, ever, in a million, bazillion years, thought I’d ever say those words to him. Never. Never thought I’d even THINK those words, let alone say them and actually MEAN them. Even as I sit here typing them, I wish I didn’t have to say them. But, I live in reality, and just have to be honest with myself. He’s asked me to leave, so I will. I may leave with my tail between my legs, my head down like a cowered dog, and whimpering, but I’ll leave knowing I did the best I could with what I am. After all, I’m just Val.

I gave it the best shot *I* knew how, but it wasn’t good enough for his high standards. Oh well. I’m not going to be someone I’m not. I’m not going to be someone he wishes I’d be like. I hate the people he wants me to be like, so I’m not for one second going to even entertain the idea of it.

Pictures and anything that will trigger a tear, have come down and been put away. <insert teardrop> Tucked away with all the other ‘lost and forgotten’ stuff. It’ll collect dust, and eventually I’ll run across it and say “I don’t need this stuff anymore”, just like I’ve done with so many other things from my past over the last year, and toss it all.

Time to stop burying myself in the false hope that by some chance or miracle of God, he’ll come swoop me off my feet, and tell me how much he can’t live without me and all my flaws. Truth is, he wouldn’t “swoop” anyway, so it ain’t happening regardless.

I’ve finally thrown my hands up, turned around, and taken a few steps. I glanced over my shoulder to see if there was a slight chance I read him wrong, and he didn’t want me to leave, but the sharpness of his finger, as he pointed “away”, said it all. There’s nothing more I can do. He’s asked me to leave.

I.Give.Up.   :’-(

Sunday, Sunday …

Wow!!

Today makes me forget all about yesterday and the mistakes I made the day before that. What a fantastically blissful afternoon!