Friday, July 30, 2010

I Give Up.

I never, ever, in a million, bazillion years, thought I’d ever say those words to him. Never. Never thought I’d even THINK those words, let alone say them and actually MEAN them. Even as I sit here typing them, I wish I didn’t have to say them. But, I live in reality, and just have to be honest with myself. He’s asked me to leave, so I will. I may leave with my tail between my legs, my head down like a cowered dog, and whimpering, but I’ll leave knowing I did the best I could with what I am. After all, I’m just Val.

I gave it the best shot *I* knew how, but it wasn’t good enough for his high standards. Oh well. I’m not going to be someone I’m not. I’m not going to be someone he wishes I’d be like. I hate the people he wants me to be like, so I’m not for one second going to even entertain the idea of it.

Pictures and anything that will trigger a tear, have come down and been put away. <insert teardrop> Tucked away with all the other ‘lost and forgotten’ stuff. It’ll collect dust, and eventually I’ll run across it and say “I don’t need this stuff anymore”, just like I’ve done with so many other things from my past over the last year, and toss it all.

Time to stop burying myself in the false hope that by some chance or miracle of God, he’ll come swoop me off my feet, and tell me how much he can’t live without me and all my flaws. Truth is, he wouldn’t “swoop” anyway, so it ain’t happening regardless.

I’ve finally thrown my hands up, turned around, and taken a few steps. I glanced over my shoulder to see if there was a slight chance I read him wrong, and he didn’t want me to leave, but the sharpness of his finger, as he pointed “away”, said it all. There’s nothing more I can do. He’s asked me to leave.

I.Give.Up.   :’-(

No comments:

Post a Comment