Happy Valentine’s Day

My routine every morning, is to check email and such before I jump ever so joyfully crawl out of bed. As soon as my eyes open, I grab my iThingy. Today is V-Day. By the way…

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my readers.

Anyway, as I was saying, today is V-Day, and with that, comes Facebook post after Facebook post (I have 83 friends) of flower photos, and candy photos, new laptop or kindle photos, new phones, new cars, new earrings, and new love photos. And for the first time, I'm genuinely happy for these people. I wasn't bitter. Or jealous. Or annoyed. I was actually happy to see the smiles on the faces of those who shared.

It's a strange feeling when you all of a sudden realize you've stopped hating the world. I wonder how long ago this happened? What made this moment the moment I would realize it? Maybe it's another step towards maturity. Maybe it's me, finally coming to terms with myself and the loneliness I've created. Maybe it’s something completely different.

Either way, it don't matter. It's nice to finally see the happiness. I love being enlightened.

Boxes

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to RM#1 that I could no longer continue to pay to have my stuff in storage. I have made so many cuts over the last year, and this is the last thing I have to draw from. She agreed that I could bring my stuff home and keep it in the garage. Her and I had never had  a conversation about me keeping my stuff here before. I had always just been polite enough to respect her OCD for cleanliness and neatness, that I rented a storage place to keep my mess out of her clean. She was quite shocked I was paying so much for what I actually had in there.

BFF@work helped me moved stuff out of storage last week, and it’s just been sitting messily in our garage ever since. So, here I sit, surrounded by a whole bunch of “stuff” that I’ve accumulated over the years. Stuff that up until now, I’ve been afraid to part with. I don’t know why I’ve been holding onto this stuff for all these years.

As I sort through the boxes, I’m reminded of familiar faces. Faces that remind me that I once had no responsibilities. Nobody to worry about except for me. Nobody to answer to as long as I kept on the straight path. Once I got to the boxes that contained memories of my marriage, I became quickly shocked at how unhappy I look in all the photos. Was my unhappiness obvious to everyone? I suddenly felt sorry for so many things. I was sorry that I married young. I’m sorry for wasting all of The X’s years with me. I was sorry for bringing a child into the world and not providing him with a perfect mother/father/son relationship. I was sorry for forever changing the lives of two young teenage girls. I was sorry for not believing a select few who tried to steer me into other directions as a teen. I’m sorry for not remembering more details to help the police dept. catch that bastard! I can’t honestly say I regret any of that stuff, but I am sorry for it. Sadly, I tucked those photos back into the album they came from and said this stuff just isn’t me anymore. It’s someone I once was. It doesn’t define who I am today. I don’t need all this stuff!! 

And with that, I threw out stuff I no longer needed to hold onto, and I packed up several boxes for Goodwill. I have officially narrowed a two bedroom condo down to a kitchen table w/ six chairs, a wooden rocking chair, and six boxes. And it only took five years. RM#1 is pleased at how little space I take up. The wooden rocking chair has become one of my favorite sitting spots. It’s so awesome. Too bad it has to be in the garage.

One day, I’ll build a home around a grandfather clock and this very wooden rocking chair. Bliss.   :-)

I Give Up.

I never, ever, in a million, bazillion years, thought I’d ever say those words to him. Never. Never thought I’d even THINK those words, let alone say them and actually MEAN them. Even as I sit here typing them, I wish I didn’t have to say them. But, I live in reality, and just have to be honest with myself. He’s asked me to leave, so I will. I may leave with my tail between my legs, my head down like a cowered dog, and whimpering, but I’ll leave knowing I did the best I could with what I am. After all, I’m just Val.

I gave it the best shot *I* knew how, but it wasn’t good enough for his high standards. Oh well. I’m not going to be someone I’m not. I’m not going to be someone he wishes I’d be like. I hate the people he wants me to be like, so I’m not for one second going to even entertain the idea of it.

Pictures and anything that will trigger a tear, have come down and been put away. <insert teardrop> Tucked away with all the other ‘lost and forgotten’ stuff. It’ll collect dust, and eventually I’ll run across it and say “I don’t need this stuff anymore”, just like I’ve done with so many other things from my past over the last year, and toss it all.

Time to stop burying myself in the false hope that by some chance or miracle of God, he’ll come swoop me off my feet, and tell me how much he can’t live without me and all my flaws. Truth is, he wouldn’t “swoop” anyway, so it ain’t happening regardless.

I’ve finally thrown my hands up, turned around, and taken a few steps. I glanced over my shoulder to see if there was a slight chance I read him wrong, and he didn’t want me to leave, but the sharpness of his finger, as he pointed “away”, said it all. There’s nothing more I can do. He’s asked me to leave.

I.Give.Up.   :’-(

Sunday, Sunday …

Wow!!

Today makes me forget all about yesterday and the mistakes I made the day before that. What a fantastically blissful afternoon!