Are you happy?

It’s no secret, for years I was miserable and unhappy, and I brought EVERYONE around me, down into my miserable hole.
I was recently divorced, and I wasn’t allowed to see my five year old son. I was living with my father, who, in all terms of the word, is a monster, and I was borrowing his car to make the 1.5hr drive to work every day because The X got the car in the divorce. Life really sucked.

Dad got tired of me always being gone with his car, so he bought me my own. It wasn’t a brand new, fancy car, but it was new to me. It got me to and from work, and allowed me to stay out of the house and away from him as much as possible. As much as I still hated him, I was grateful to have my own car. I was happier.

I still hated the 1.5hr drive to work, each way, so I changed jobs. Now my drive was only one hour. I was happier.

One night, I came home from work and my dad wanted to fight (he did this ALL.THE.TIME). I was tired and exhausted from working all day, but he didn’t care. He made all kinds of threats against my life and my friends’ lives, so I grabbed a few things and left. I ended up staying with my then boyfriend. A few days later, he went back to the house with me because I didn’t know what kind of mood dad was going to be in. Unfortunately, he wasn’t in any better of a mood. This was the day he pushed me down on the floor into the dishwasher. As I was walking back to my room to collect some more things, my head just about went into the wall when he attacked me. My boyfriend grabbed my arm and pulled me out of there immediately. I went back only once after that, and it was with three other guys to help me move. I cleared out all my stuff while my dad was asleep. Freedom from the madness at last. I was happier.

Several years later, I was in a funk. I was unhappy at work, and unhappy about where I was living. I was feeling like I needed a big change. I needed to be happy. A few weeks later, I met SS. We hit it off great, and I was happier. I changed jobs again, this time because I was ultimately so unhappy there, but ended up getting the same job with another company. It wasn’t what I wanted and was very unhappy. I would cry on my way to work every day, and I would cry in my office. I was so miserable and because I couldn’t get it off my mind, I was making it worse. It was literally making me sick. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was depressed and miserable and hated everything and everyone around me. All because I hated my job.

One Sunday night before going to bed, I prayed really hard. I mean HARD! Anyone that knows me, knows I don’t pray. I’m not religious and don’t believe there is a higher power. Things don’t happen in life because you prayed for them to happen. I’ve prayed a million times that I would win the lottery, but alas, here I sit, without millions in my bank account. But despite my doubt in prayer, I still did it. When I woke up in the morning, I made a decision that I didn’t want to cry that day. I didn’t want to drive to my office and be unhappy. I was taking a stand and turning things around. Because I wanted to. Because I wanted to be happier.

Things between SS and I became a little tough. I was now out of a job, and he was supporting us all by himself. My school had shut down, so I didn’t even have that to keep my mind off the stress we were feeling at home. I wasn’t depressed or unhappy or sleep deprived, and I was happier.

Today, I have one of the funnest jobs in the world. I get to take pictures of kids Preschool aged through 12th grade. I take yearbook pictures, fun Spring pictures, and graduation photos. I am happy.

Today, I have an amazing boyfriend, who supports my job choice, allows me to work at the Daddy/Daughter dances on Friday or Saturday nights, and puts up with all my crazy shenanigans. I am happy.

Today, I have my own apartment that both SS and I work very hard to keep. We decorate it with things that make us happy. We take care of it so that when people come over, it doesn’t look like dirty, gross, slobby people live in it. We are proud of what we’ve accomplished and proud of what we have. I am happy.

It’s taken a lot of years, and a lot of bad times, but I can honestly say, right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Things are amazing. And do you know why? Because I sought out the things that make me happy. I made my happiness a top priority. And once I did that, all the other things just fell into place.

I still have people in my life today that try to drag me down into their unhappiness. They are miserable, and try to bring all the people around them down into their miserable hole. Some of them don’t even know they’re doing it. It’s just become so normal for them, they are oblivious. Unfortunately, those people take a back seat to everyone else. They get ignored. And they don’t get invited to weddings. *wink, wink*

So smile. Just smile. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t sting. It doesn’t tickle. And it doesn’t bite. It’s just a smile. And it goes a long way. A loooooooooooooooooong way. Trust me. Your face is prettier with a smile.

Happy Valentine’s Day

My routine every morning, is to check email and such before I jump ever so joyfully crawl out of bed. As soon as my eyes open, I grab my iThingy. Today is V-Day. By the way…

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my readers.

Anyway, as I was saying, today is V-Day, and with that, comes Facebook post after Facebook post (I have 83 friends) of flower photos, and candy photos, new laptop or kindle photos, new phones, new cars, new earrings, and new love photos. And for the first time, I'm genuinely happy for these people. I wasn't bitter. Or jealous. Or annoyed. I was actually happy to see the smiles on the faces of those who shared.

It's a strange feeling when you all of a sudden realize you've stopped hating the world. I wonder how long ago this happened? What made this moment the moment I would realize it? Maybe it's another step towards maturity. Maybe it's me, finally coming to terms with myself and the loneliness I've created. Maybe it’s something completely different.

Either way, it don't matter. It's nice to finally see the happiness. I love being enlightened.

I. Am. Lucky.

I am incredibly lucky. Not because I’ve won the lottery, and not because I’ve won an international month long trip. I’m lucky just because.

When I got to work on a very busy and rather unsatisfying Friday, I had my favorite M&M’s waiting for me. Bff@work knows what it takes to make me happy. Sometimes, he does just the slightest little thing, that can make my entire day seem not so shitty. A baggie with yellow and green M&M’s on my desk made me smile. For him, I am thankful.

When RJ calls me and says “I want to spend some time with you at Christmas”. The X is allowing RJ to come stay with me through the Christmas holiday. First time in six years I’ll be able to shower my RJ with Christmas spirit. For The X and his new found trust in me, I am thankful.

When JK walked out of my life, I thought for sure it would make me bitter and angry at the world. Guess what? It didn’t. It forced me to take a very unpleasant look in the mirror. I never want to watch anyone walk away from me, ever again, and I will work my ass off to ensure that happens. He was right, I needed to make some changes. For JK and his rude comments, I am thankful.

When Kasey comes into my room at 5:30am and pushes his cold wet nose against my arm that’s hanging off the bed. This early morning surprise reminds me that I have the house to myself and I am the sole person responsible for these four dogs. And they need to pee. At 5:30AM!  For this reminder, I am thankful.

When I’m standing in my garage staring under the hood of my car. One of my neighbors always comes over when he sees I’m playing under the hood of my car. Perhaps it’s the thrill that he might solve something I haven’t. Or maybe he just likes seeing me get greasy. Either way, he’s there to help. For this neighbor, I am thankful.

Happy Saturday, Readers. I hope you can recognize all the things that make you lucky. Just thinking about it all made me smile. I hope you get the same feeling when you think about how lucky YOU are.

I smile…

When my car starts in the morning. This morning it struggled a little. A few tries, a little caress of the steering wheel, and some soft spoken words later, she came around. And she brought a Check Engine light with her. sigh.

When I log into my computer at work and see that RJ is online. This is my favorite thing. Just knowing he’s only a keyboard click away, is so awesome. I ♥ him.

When I get a message from a trainer saying thanks for all your help. Sometimes, that’s all I need to get me through the next day. When it’s busy, and I can’t have trainers coming in and out of the office, I’m expected to take care of things for them. I love getting thank you’s.

When I hear bff@work make a joke. Some days are harder than others, but bff@work can sometimes make it a little easier to handle.

When I know He is looking. Just knowing he’s thinking about me, whether to laugh at me, to make fun of me, or to maybe understand just a little bit more, it makes me happy.

When Sis phones from the cruise ship. It’s not every day I get a phone call from someone on a cruise. I have never been before, so I asked some pretty crazy questions. All which she plans to explain when she shows me pictures. Can’t wait! Four more days.

When the mechanic says it’s just… instead of i have bad news… I have the greatest car ever, y’all. I swear. This thing just keeps on going. ThankYouVeryMuchJapaneseAutoMakers. And no matter what kind of issues go wrong with her under the hood, they have so far been easy fixes. My anxiety brings stress, and so far it’s been undeserved. Perhaps I should learn to trust this fabulous car a little more than I already do. Marti. I ♥ her.

When I can convince Kasey to hold my sword. I have no words for this. I just laugh cause he’ll do whatever I tell him.

When someone asks me about NASCAR. Sometimes people are funny. They spark up a conversation with me about NASCAR, but then immediately get annoyed when I present them with information far beyond their understanding of the sport. I smile knowing there’s something I know that they don’t know. Finally! That never happens to me.

When I have to tie my shoelaces. I have a pair of shoes that have two different laces. One of them is a round type of lace, and the other is a regular flat type lace. Someone once told me, that round one will come undone all the time. you’re gonna be tying one shoe more than the other. Well, it’s been about three months, and I’ve probably tied that one shoe about four times. But every one of those four times, makes me smile and think of that exact conversation.

When I get in my car and I hear that the XM still works. I know one morning I’ll get in and it won’t work, and I’m okay with that. I don’t want that to happen, but I’m prepared for it. It’s a little piece of the heaven I used to have that hasn’t gone away yet. So I smile until it does.

What are YOU smiling about?

Today…

…i feel amazing.

…i’m happy to be alive and breathing.

…i’m anxious for LZ’s wedding next weekend.

…I’m excited to see RJ in two days.

…i counted change to buy my iced tea.

…i feel like my hugs are the best there are.

…i wish i could skip work and spend the day in the company of someone I rarely see.

…he told me he loved me.

 

Today…

…I did not get mad. I listened to someone yell, then throw a pen at my desk (unsatisfied at how it was writing). I listened to someone yell some more, and throw another pen at my desk (again, unsatisfied). This time, the pen exploded all over my desk, all over the floor, and all over my jeans. Then, to make matters worse, I was told to clean it up.

Today…I did not get mad.

I am grateful for whatever helped me get up and walk away, but the hole in my tongue from biting is not grateful.

Reassurance in mankind. For now.

A few days ago, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. Financial issues, ex husband issues, roommate issues, and relationship issues, can bring one down faster than one is prepared for. At least that's how it works for me in my little bubble. I was struggling with reality and whether or not life was worth getting up every day, when I finally called JK. Help. Need a bit of reassurance that life doesn't totally suck. He came through and offered up some sound advice. *Thank you JK*

Being the skeptic I am, I couldn't just go off one persons word. I got on my knees in my backyard and prayed. I didn't care who saw. I was at a point where I needed the kind of reassurance that only a higher power could give me.

After spending eight long years going to catholic school when I was younger, and even after going to church three times a week, this was the first time I actually saw the answers. It was amazing. I woke up the next morning with a different outlook on my day. Things happened throughout the day that proved to me that life wasn't anywhere near sucking. Today, same thing. It's just one positive thing after another.

Weird how things work out. :-)

My faith in humanity has been restored. At least until the next idiot pisses me off. ;-)