Thinking about The Ex

In July of 2022, I received a middle of the night text that I never really thought I'd get. When I say to you that I never saw it coming, that would be an understatement.

The morning of July 4th, RJ texted saying something was wrong with his dad and he was taken away in an ambulance. He was freaking out and didn't know what to do. 

After staring at that text for a minute, I didn't really know how to respond. I couldn't help him from three states away, but I could offer words of encouragement and positivity. Then told him to keep me updated as I was going back to sleep. 

The next 12-14 hours were so hard. As updates started to come from the doctors, it was clear that he wasn't going to be walking out of the hospital. And that was a devastating blow to RJ.

On July 6th, at 8:09am, I was notified that The Ex had passed. 

After years and years of fighting, arguing, disagreeing on almost everything, I found myself feeling something I hadn't felt in so long. I was hurting, and I wasn't even married to him anymore. 

I hurt for my son. I hurt because I knew the pain was just beginning. I tried to be so strong for RJ, and after a few conversations with Sis, we decided we were going to drive out to see RJ during this time. 

It was a quick trip. She flew down to LA to meet me, and then we rented a car and drove to Texas. We only stayed for a couple days, but I just needed to hug RJ in person. Virtual hugs and kisses just weren't going to do it this time. He was in too much pain.

Tomorrow would have been his 53rd birthday. 

Miss you.

47 Days

For 47 days, I had painful stents inside my ureters. I couldn't cough without it hurting. I couldn't sneeze without it hurting. At times, I couldn't stand up straight because of the positioning of them. It was a true testament to my mental health, and I'm here to tell you, I broke. 

One Saturday morning, SS and I were headed out to the Farmers Market. As I got up from the couch and walked to grab my keys, I coughed. This cough literally brought me to my knees. At that time, the stents had been in for 37 days, and one can assume that scar tissue was already starting to form over them. This means that when moved, that tissue tears/rips, and it doesn't feel good. I struggled to walk around that entire morning, and ended up cutting my day short to just go home. Also at this time, I still had not taken any sort of pain reliever, that really helped. And the sound vibrations weren't helping anymore. 

A week later, I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. I was so tired of crying in the shower and wondering if things would ever go back to normal. I was feeling traumatized by this whole situation, that I finally called the Urologists office, in tears, and begged them to do something for me. He brought me into the office to talk to me, calm me down. He was 100% convinced that the pain was in my head and my anxiety was making it worse. He gave me a prescription for Valium, and sent me home. The Valium calmed me down a bit, but it never helped with the pain, of course, because it wasn't just in my head. The next day, he agreed to schedule me for a stent removal, but if I wanted the pain to stop asap, we needed to do it in office, instead of in the hospital with anesthesia. 

The last time this procedure was tried, I had a panic attack and the procedure failed. I couldn't allow that to happen again. I needed these damn things out, and even though I was so scared and certain it would fail again, I told him yes. 

My appointment was scheduled for 3pm, so I had to deal with the anxiety of it all, all morning at work. Because I was going to be on some heavy sedation medication (that honestly everyone I spoke to said not to mix), I needed to have a driver. Somehow I was able to convince SS to go with me, against his will. 

To be honest, this procedure should be more than anyone should handle, but when SS told me he was going to be really angry he took off work and this didn't end up happening, I knew I had to do everything I could. Between the medications I had taken, and the extreme amount of Lidocaine they used, I was able to get through the procedure. SS was proud of me, and even the doctor told me that. Whew!

I walked out of that office with zero pain. None. They were both out and I was pain free. 
Best. Feeling. Ever.

Human Vibration and its Healing Power

Human vibration is defined as the effect of mechanical vibration of the environment on the human body. I know. What does that mean? Well, let me try to explain...

During our normal daily life, we are exposed to various sources of vibration, for example, the copy machine at work, the car you drove, the chime of the grandfather clock in the other room, or the leaf-blower being used outside by the gardener. Every single thing in the universe, has a vibration. Even if objects appear stationary, they are still vibrating. 
The natural frequency of a human-standing body is about 7.5 Hz, and the frequency of a human-sitting is generally 4–6 Hz. 

Joseph Puleo studied the Solfeggio Frequencies (they were the basic notes of Gregorian chants that were used by early Roman Christians to raise vibrations and energy) and he said that music penetrates the conscious and subconscious mind. 

• 174 Hz relieves pain and stress

• 285 Hz heals tissues and organs

• 396 Hz liberates you from fear and guilt

• 417 Hz facilitates change

• 528 Hz for transformation and DNA repair

• 639 Hz reconnects you with your relationships

• 741 Hz helps provide solutions and self-expression

• 852 Hz brings you back to a spiritual order

• 963 HZ creates room for oneness and unity

Over the last week, I have had several people suggest home healing remedies. Anything from drinking straight Apple Cider Vinegar or Beer, to eating cactus with honey, to hibiscus tea, to edibles, to sound vibrations, to......so many other things. Because I'm such a picky eater, I figured I'd start with an easy one, sound vibration. I was sent a YouTube link to "Healing Frequency for Kidney Stones". The frequency was a high pitched squealing sound, that seemed to really irritate my cats more than anything. I listened for the full 15 minutes, and turned it off. (After doing a little bit of research and math, this sound was at about 715 Hz.)

The following day, I started Googling "sound vibrations" and "human vibrations". Much to my surprise, I found a lot of information. I read through pages and pages of studies people had done that proved this to work, but then I read page after page of people saying it's pseudoscience and not real even though it's been practiced since the 6th century BC.🤷

Anyway, after listening to a couple different sounds, I found one with which I really connected. It was three hours long (and didn't piss off my cats) so I knew it would keep playing if I happened to fall asleep. After having one of the worst nights of pain, I was ready to give this a try. The frequency list above says that 285 Hz heals tissues and organs. I'm looking to help my kidneys heal and pass all these stone pieces. 319.88 was the one which I listened.

Less than thirty minutes later, I could feel the pain less than when I had started. I was apprehensive to believe it, so I shifted in my seat to see how my bladder would react. Still felt full (even though I knew it wasn't). Another thirty minutes went by and I couldn't believe it. I had no pain. None. I was afraid to move because I was loving this pain-free feeling after the week I've had, but knew I needed to test it. I stood up. Nothing. I walked to the bathroom. Nothing. Was this really happening? I still have two stents in, so I know that is causing some of the pain and discomfort, but was the actual PAIN gone?

I peed.

For the first time in a week, it didn't burn or sting or pinch or anything else. It just was.

I'm taking this as a win. I don't know if the pain and/or pressure will come back, but it's gone for right now. Was it the sound vibration that helped with the pain? Maybe. Was it just the fact that it's been 6 days and the healing process is in full force? Maybe. Either way, I know when the pain stopped.

It's time for the kidney stones to move out

In January of this year, I went to my OB/GYN for a routine checkup, and was told that I needed to see a Urologist due to some pain I experienced while she was pushing on my bladder. About two weeks later, I sat in the Urologist office talking about how often I relieve myself. He was shocked about the high number per hour, so he ordered a CT scan to be done, with and without dye. 

Enter kidney stone pain. This is the moment that woke me up in the middle of the night. I was crying on the floor in pain, totally unaware at that time what was happening. And just as soon as the pain came, it went. Then two days later, it was back with a vengeance. This time, I went to Urgent Care because I was convinced I had a bladder or kidney infection. They ran tests and determined I didn't have any infection, but sent me home with an antibiotic anyway, since there was a sign of blood in the urine. (Side note: they did absolutely nothing to relieve the pain, and told me I didn't need pain meds.) Did they think I was some junkie just there to get pills? I still don't understand what happened in that Urgent Care. 

Two days later I ended up in the Emergency Room because the pain was so bad, I was vomiting. The first thing they did was TAKE. THE. PAIN. AWAY. 

Three CT scans and two ultrasounds later, it was discovered I have eleven kidney stones on the left, and four on the right. After a couple discussions with the Urologist, and one failed procedure in the office, it was decided that it's best to have the stones removed. 

Fast forward to today. It's day six of recovery from surgery, and it sucks. Here's exactly what I had done...
💥Cystoscopy

💥Left ureteroscopy with laser lithotripsy

💥Cystoscopic placement of a bilateral ureteral stents (6-French x 24cm)

💥Bilateral retrograde pyelograms

💥Bladder biopsy

He collected one of the larger stones so it could be evaluated. I'm very interested to hear what I've drank or eaten all these years to create so many stones. If I had to guess, I'd say tea and salt. 

All the information I was given, said I should be back to every day activities within 1-2 days. I cannot, for one second, imagine this. The pain I'm having in my bladder, flanks, and urine stream six days later, is almost crippling to me. The urgency and frequency at which I need to urinate, makes it so difficult to drive any distance from home without searching for a bathroom. My drive to work is an hour. That's too long for me to hold my urine back. And even if I go two hours without drinking anything, I'm still sitting on the toilet, only this time, a couple of drops come out - with blood - because there's no water to help push stuff through. And that hurts waaaay more. 

I have a follow up appointment to have the stents removed in a few weeks. Still tbd on how this is going to happen. The doctor seems to think he's gonna be able to pull out the stents IN HIS OFFICE using just a local numbing agent - a Cystoscopy. This procedure failed last time in his office, so I've requested to be put under general anesthesia again. 

I guess we'll see what happens. Until then, take care of your kidneys. You only have two, and they're pretty amazing organs. 

I Need A Change

I’m struggling. I'm really struggling.

I don’t want to appear weak. I can’t appear weak. I live with a man that thrives on being strong and facing things head on. That isn’t me. I’m the kind that hunkers down on the couch, under a blanket, with the tv blaring so I can’t hear my own thoughts.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel like I need a change. I need a change of scenery, a change of location, a change of mind and space, and a change of self. I’m tired of living life in a rush. I want to slow down and enjoy the town in which I live.

Right now, I don’t enjoy much about living here anymore. I’ve lived in this town for 33 years, and I’ve watched it change from a small town to an overrun corporate city. Big corporations and businesses on almost every corner have pushed out the Mom & Pop small businesses we used to know so well. I miss small businesses. I miss small towns.

One Sunday, a few months ago, at five o’clock in the MORNING, a car had it’s radio blaring mediocre 90’s music, and it woke me up. At first, I tossed and turned, and huffed and puffed, and threw blankets around to show my irritation, but that quickly turned to anger when it continued after thirty minutes. I finally got so annoyed that I got dressed and went downstairs to confront them. I told them it was f’ing rude to be blaring music at FIVE A.M. waking people up. I wasn’t nice. And I’m not sorry.

A few days later, I finally made a statement to my next door neighbors about their dog. It is a small, yappy dog that has no training. It just barks ALLLLLLLLL DAAAAAAAAAAY LOOOOOOOOOOOONG. All day. Every day. And they don’t care.
I wrote a note and stuck it on their door telling them to shut up their dog, but that didn’t seem to help much. It hasn’t stopped.

Have I become that neighbor? The one that complains about everything?
Maybe it’s just a clear indication that I really do need a change.