100 things you should know

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs should not be one of them.
2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.
3. Don’t knock it till you try it.
4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.
5. Always use “we” when referring to your home team.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of HORSE.
8. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
9. Don’t dumb yourself down.
10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.
11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.
12. Never park in front of a bar.
13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.
14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first girl/boyfriend.
15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.
16. A suntan is earned, not bought.
17. Never lie to your doctor.
18. All guns are loaded.
19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.
20. The best way to show thanks, is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.
21. Take a vacation from your cell phone, the Internet, and your TV once a year.
22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.
23. A handshake beats an autograph.
24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.
25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.
26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a Caricaturist.
27. Never get your haircut the day of a special event.
28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.
29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.
30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.
31. Eat lunch with the new kids.
32. When traveling, keep your wits about you. No matter where you are.
33. It’s never too late for an apology.
34. Don’t pose with booze. It’s unbecoming.
35. If you have the right of way, TAKE IT.
36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.
37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.
38. Never push someone off a dock.
39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she is pregnant.
40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry, live up to it.
41. Don’t make a scene.
42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.
43. Know when to ignore the camera.
44. Never gloat.
45. Invest in great luggage.
46. Make time for your mother on your birthday. It’s a special day for her too.
47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.
48. Sympathy is a crutch. Never fake a limp.
49. Give credit. Take blame.
50. Suck it up every now and then.
51. Never be the last one in the pool.
52. Don’t stare.
53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.
54. Stand up to bullies. You only have to do it once.
55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.
56. Admit it when you’re wrong.
57. If you offer to help, don’t quit until the job is done.
58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.
59. Thank the bus driver.
60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.
61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
62. Know at least one good joke.
63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.
64. Know how to cook one good meal.
65. Learn to drive a manual/stick shift.
66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.
67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.
68. Dance with your mother/father.
69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.
70. Always thank the host.
71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.
72. Know the size of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s clothes.
73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.
74. Be a good listener. Don’t just take your turn to talk.
75. Keep your word.
76. In college always sit near the front. You’ll stand out immediately and come grade time it will come in handy.
77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.
78. Be patient with airport security. They are just doing their job.
79. Don’t be the talker in the movie.
80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.
81. You are what you do. Not what you say.
82. Learn to change a tire.
83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.
84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.
85. Don’t litter.
86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.
87. You won’t always be the strongest or fastest. But you can be the toughest.
88. Never call someone before or after 9am and 9pm.
89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.
90. Make the little things count.
91. Always wear a bra to work.
92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.
93. You’re never too old to need your Mom.
94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet are killing you.
95. Know the words to your national anthem.
96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun than sitting on the bench alone.
97. Smile at strangers.
98. Make goals.
99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.
100. If you HAVE to fight, punch first and punch hard.

The Story

July of 2005 was supposed to be the happiest month of my life thus far. It was supposed to be filled with summer swimming, warm nights in the park, fun in the sun, sleeping in late, and my son’s fifth birthday.

Here’s the cute birthday invitations I made up…

We were going to have a big party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Friends and family were all invited to celebrate him turning the big F.I.V.E.!

A few days ago, I talked about my laptop being sick. I ended up having to replace the hard drive. (Yay for bigger and faster.) While going through some very old files on an old disc I found, I accidentally stumbled upon something I’m sure I was never meant to see. It’s a story, written by my oldest stepdaughter, of the tragic events that led to the removal of me from our home, just days before my son’s birthday. It was the story of a scared mom, who robbed the innocence of a five year old boy, and two teenage girls.

I saved the Word document on my desktop. It’s been two days, and I’ve opened it and read it about 30 times, and every time I do, I’m caught wiping the tears before I can get to page two. Reading the heart wrenching details, as seen through the eyes of a then 14 year old teenage girl, makes reading it even harder. I try to read it as if I’m a third party, but when the words become actions, a cold chill runs through my body and I feel as if I’m standing in a corner of the room watching everything unfold. And let me tell you, that seeing the pain and extreme fear in the eyes of the children you’re supposed to be protecting, is the worst feeling that could be placed upon me. All the days/nights/weeks/months spent in a jail cell, crying to get out, don’t even come close to the sadness I feel when I see the uneasiness in my son’s eyes today, six years later.

There are a lot of things about that day that I’ve been able to come to terms with. I was given the chance to apologize to The X last year, and although I’m not certain he took it as such, I have been able to let that part go. I feel I did what I could to show I was sorry. Being able to sit down and apologize to his two daughters is not something that will probably ever happen. They don’t want anything to do with me, and I honestly can’t say I blame them. I’m totally okay with it. I just wish they knew how different I am today. I just wish they knew how sorry I was for what I did and what I caused them to go through.

And on that note, I will say…Change can be an amazing thing. It allows people to start over and become the person they WANT to be, not the person they were raised to be.

Hatred Is Not A Family Value

I have a lot of hate. A lot. I know exactly where it comes from. I have chosen in the past to not face it, and while I’d like to keep doing that, I just can’t. I can’t carry around this heavy hate anymore.

I know why I am the way I am. It’s the same exact reason that Ryan is the way he is. My mom and dad fought like crazy (solely because dad was always mad). He picked fights on purpose, just because he didn’t know how to show any other emotion but anger. Mike and I fought like crazy (solely because I was always mad). I picked fights on purpose, just because I didn’t know how to show any other emotion but anger. I was fed anger, so angry is what I became.  There was no love between my mom and dad and there was no love between Mike and I. My parents made me a victim, just like I made Ryan a victim. That’s not an emotion one should force on a child.

I’ve spent five years away from Ryan. I’ve missed milestone after milestone. I’ve been able to watch him change into an amazing 10½ year old from a silly 5 year old boy, through pictures and frosted glass.

As I sing along to lyrics of a familiar song, the teardrops fall hard.

(familiar song)

A day might come and you'll realize
That if you could see through my eyes
There was no other way to work it out
And a part of you might hate me
But son please don't mistake me
For a man that didn’t care at all

The teardrops are soon replaced with streams and before I know it, I’m face down in a pillow just wishing I could fall asleep so I wasn’t thinking about it anymore.

I’ve become a bit more observant about the parenting skills of those around me. I shake my head at some, yet nod in agreement with others. I’m much more confident about my own parenting skills today, than I was 11 years ago and I long for the days when I am given another chance at doing what I think is the greatest thing in the world…helping a child full of dreams , hopes and imaginations, become an amazing adult.

I miss Ryan. I miss him a lot. If I let the overwhelming pain of not being a part of his life get to me, it would consume me entirely and I would never get out of bed. I have pictures of Ryan hung on walls in my bedroom. I have one of my favorite photos of Ryan and I, framed in my bathroom. I have something hanging from the rear view mirror of my car that he made for me 5 years ago. I write to him often (in a blog since he doesn’t have an email). I never stop thinking about him. He’s on my mind more than anything else. I bet my dad can’t say that.