Sunday, July 1, 2018

Much needed getaway

I’m getting away. Far away. 1,000 miles away to be exact.

It’s been very stressful around my house the last few weeks. Between the stress I was feeling at work and the stress of having a teenager around all the time that I don’t particularly get along with, I have just about reached my boiling over point. SS has seen me reach that point one time and vowed to never see it again. Because I love him and don’t intentionally want to hurt the person I’m going to marry, I’m going to use this week off, to take a road trip to visit my family. There didn’t need to be a fight, or a yelling match. I knew that when I was wishing people would die, it was time to get away and clear my head.
I battle demons inside me every day. Demons that tell me to call in sick to work. Demons that tell me I’m not good enough to do the job I’m doing. Demons that tell me I don’t deserve someone as wonderful as SS. Demons that tell me I’m not a good mother to RJ. Demons that tell me I’m just not worth it. But I fight through those demons every single day. Sometimes with ease. Sometimes I have to use my battle axe to beat him down.
Ever since my family moved out of state, I’ve had a very negative attitude towards them for it. Call it resentment. Call it jealousy. Maybe a little of both. Either way, I fucking miss the hell out of them and I need to see them. It’s very difficult to spend holiday after holiday with SS’s family, all the while, pretending that I don’t miss mine. They do their very best to make me feel like I’m not an outsider, but because of my own deep-seeded issues, it’s just not the same.
It will take me about 16 hours to get there. Since I’m driving alone, I’ll be taking my time, stopping to stretch when needed. I’ll be doing some major soul searching and mind cleaning. The feelings of anger that have overtaken me, need to be left on the side of a mountain. I will find that mountain. This trip is about me. It’s about finding my inner peace again and learning to not be so hard on myself. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even find some compassion along the way.
Stay tuned to hear about my travels, or follow along on my Instagram. It’ll be fun, I promise.

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