“Dad is back in the hospital. Something with his heart…”
Sitting at my desk today, just relaxing because it’s so slow, and iVal makes that familiar text message sound. I slowly slide my finger across the screen to unlock it, trying to be careful not to move the phone and lose the small amount of service that I can get in the canyon, and the message pops up. For the first time since I’ve been working at The Ranch, I said a cuss word that wasn’t directed AT someone.
I was shocked that he was back in the hospital. It seemed like he was doing so well. At least according to what Sis had been telling me. I told her to keep me informed, and I walked out to the truck to take a deep breath. Know what else I did? I pushed all my feelings about religion and God out of my mind for a moment, and laid my head on the steering wheel. I then said an honest, from the heart, prayer. For the first time in years.
Four hours later, I get my first update. Now, to be honest, I’d kind of gone about my day and forgotten about what was going on in the background. I knew that Sis and Squid were headed up to the hospital to see what was happening, but I wasn’t really thinking about it. Until that moment.
Kidneys shut down. He passed out and woke up to them resuscitating him with paddles.
For the first time in 34 years, I cried for my dad because I was scared for him. I sat down in my chair, and the tears were coming whether I wanted them to or not. My mind was telling me one thing, but my heart was aching with such force, the tears wouldn’t stop.
I called Squid immediately and before he could even say hello, I was blurting out, “I hate him sooo much, but I can’t stop crying. What is wrong? Why??”
I’ve been sitting here all night, thinking about nothing else. It’s come down to this….
No matter how I feel about my dad, he’ll never be able to make up for all those horrible years. There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, that he could say, that would make it better. However, I can’t beat myself up for being sad. He is my dad, after all. And even though most of the time I spent with him over my lifetime, sucked, it didn’t all.