Monday, December 27, 2010

Change is inevitable

My mind races all the time. My thoughts are often thrown together because they all collide from being too crowded in such a small space. Sometimes, horrible things happen when two or more thoughts become verbal words or actions. Realizing this has been a huge battle for me, but I finally completely understand it. Whew! And I’m exhausted.

What do you do when something is festering inside you that you just have to get out? What do you do when you know deep down inside that you have to make one of the biggest apologies yet to date? Not because you feel obligated, but because it’s truly what you feel. What do you do when you’re ready to defeat the asshole pride monster you let take over more times than you want to admit? What do you do when you think others will see your apology as just another fake wolf cry instead of the heartfelt emotion it’s meant to be?

I can’t talk to JK about it, because he’ll never let me live it down. The kind of criticism I will initially receive from him, I’m not prepared to deal with. I can’t willingly put myself in that position just yet. I can’t talk to LZ about it, because if she hasn’t ever been in that situation, she’s hesitant about giving advice she thinks I’ll actually take. I can’t talk to RM#1 about it, because she’ll keep bringing up reasons for me not to do it based on previous “situations”. I can’t talk to anyone at work about it, because it’s just not story time at the ranch right now.

With every passing day, I’m reminded of step 8 (made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all). My list used to be long. Kind of like Earl’s from the television show. Now it only has a few names. Some days I feel like a few of the names will never come off because amends just aren’t possible. That’s when the little voice inside me says, “it’s not about them, Val.”


1 comment:

  1. Hey, I am not up on your past so I am not qualified to give real advice. However,

    I do think you are beating up on yourself. Things happened. It seems you have changed. I dont think you can fix or repair everything that has happened but you can let go and move on. I also think you can share too much past info if it is done and gone.

    Like I said I dont know you but you seem very nice.
    Thats my 2 cents.