“Marriage is harder than parenting. We have this inept and unconditional love for our children that is just there. Marriage is work. You must reinvent and change as time and life changes you, and you must do it together as one. Really, it’s a very long three-legged race on a rocky trail. Marriage is compromises beyond your imagination. Marriage is forgiveness ahead of pride. Marriage is humbeling. Marriage is a beautiful privelage and should not be taken lightly. Be honest with yourself before taking the leap. Its not a leap of faith…this is a concious choice. There should be no doubt, no uncertainties, no banking on potential. Marriage is part of who you are. It’s a sum of two people. You should move, act, and behave as one. Marriage should be the most unselfish thing you do, besides being a parent.”
This quote came from a blog post of a friend. It speaks volumes to what I’ve been feeling lately.
Over a week ago, The Ex and I signed the final divorce papers that will officially end our marriage. It’s been a very long ten years waiting for this moment, but it’s finally here. The papers have been sent off to the judge for signature, so in six to eight weeks, we’ll get them back and be officially divorced. It’s the greatest feeling ever.
So why do I feel so afraid? Why do I suddenly feel vulnerable and naked?
The first person I dated after The Ex and I split up, was Jeffy. No matter how many years we spent together, and how close we got, there was always a safe barrier that stood between us. It was my marriage. I was still legally married in the eyes of the law, so knew that our relationship could never turn into anything more concrete. I felt that same sense of safety from that barrier once SS and I started dating. Now that my barrier is gone, I feel a little scared. I feel that I don’t have anything holding me back anymore, and the thought of possibly getting married again some day, scares me.
SS and I have been together for three years now. In those three years, we’ve moved in together, taken vacations with each others families, contributed to each others children, and created a life intertwinded with each other. It’s a life we have created together, through a rollercoaster of emotions, both good and bad.
Unquestionable love. Compromise. Forgiveness. Unselfishness. All the things of which a marriage should be. And all the things I’m scared to completely give in to.
As I walk through this new chapter of my life, I hope that my fears aren’t so overwhelming and that I learn to embrace the vulnerability of being divorced.