Good Morning Readers! It’s a beautiful Friday morning here in LA. It’s currently 65*, but is expected to reach 85*. Yay for summer weather. :-)
Yesterday was an overwhelming emotional day. From high’s to low’s and everywhere in between, I felt it. Yesterday, was too much for me. I wasn’t completely prepared for it. I tried to face it head on, like so many say to do, but as I did, I found myself more vulnerable at every turn.
Having to make a life changing decision about your children is never easy. No matter how big or small the decision, it affects their future. Was I making the right decision? Was this going to affect him in ways I can’t avoid? Was I a bad person for doing this? I dealt with the situation from the privacy of my office, but immediately lost all control of my emotions. Yes folks, I cried at work. And it wasn’t a small little cry. It was a big ugly cry. And although I had the support of five people standing around me, I felt alone. I felt sad and alone. And all I could do was cry. Out loud.
As this is happening, JK calls me. For some reason, things took a very strange turn for us. We are not on good terms. (if I could pause right here for a moment and say that if there ever was the perfectly wrong/right time for someone to call me, it was at this very moment. and the fact that it was JK, who never calls me at work, absolutely blows my mind. it’s like it was a sign or something). Anyway, he found my car title. I knew he had it, so it wasn’t a big deal, but he felt it was important to tell me that. Unfortunately, with the emotional state I was in, I snapped back saying okay. we can meet up cause I have some things of yours to return. I’m quite certain he didn’t call to say hey b***h, you have my things. give them back! Nope. That’s not his style. But, I reacted as if he had. And you know what? That was bad. So bad, that I packed up my things and walked outside. I was so beyond f****d up, I was certain there was no way I could continue to think, let alone finish the work day. I made people aware I was leaving, and I drove off. I cried the whole drive home. I cried hard. (If you were driving next to me during those 30 minutes, I apologize for anything you had to see.) And when I got home, I had a voicemail from one of the trainers. Guess what I did? I got back in my car, and went back to work. Because after all, it’s not their fault I’m f****d up. It’s not their fault I can’t handle my emotions. It’s not their fault they can’t fix me. It’s my fault. Mine and mine alone. I own it.
And although it hurts beyond anyone’s stretch of imagination, I’m going to say…
I ♥ you RJ. Please do not let anyone tell you different.
I ♥ you JK. No matter what.