I never understood what people meant when they’d say things like Time will heal or The older you get, the wiser you become, or When you grow up, your “important” and “not important” lists change. Drastically. I pretended I understood by nodding in agreement, but I secretly had no idea.
A few days ago, I sat down and thought about all the things in my life that make me unhappy. Guess what I found out? All the things that make me unhappy, make me unhappy as a result of something I had once done. You’re actions will get you into trouble one day is something I heard more than a few times all through my twenties. It haunted me at night, but it just seemed I couldn’t get away from that dark cloud I had created, that seemed to hover over me all.the.time. I tried to fight it, but just the other day, I realized it wasn’t something I could fight. Something had to change. And I was determined to make that change right then.
I said out loud in a soft humble voice, “I want to apologize to The X, for not being the best wife I could be.” No matter the circumstances surrounding our seven years together, and whether I believe he deserved some of it or not, I still shouldn’t have said or done certain things. It’s been 5½ years, and I’ve finally forgiven myself. I’ve stopped blaming myself. I’ve stopped taking all the responsibility. I’ve stopped holding a grudge. And it leaves me feeling amazing. I guess I’ve just gotten to a point in life where I’ve realized that continuing to make myself miserable by hating The X, just isn’t worth it. Tomorrow I will sit in a room with him to discuss our son. I’m ready. I’m prepared. And I’m looking forward to it.
Letting go is making me a much happier person.