Tuesday, July 21, 2020

Self-Discovery: Day 2

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 

My entire life, I have been insecure. This is a direct result of never being good enough for my parents, and always being told 'you can do better', instead of 'good job'. There wasn't praise, there were examples of what I did wrong and could have done instead.

Now as an adult, I am constantly thinking that I'm not living up to some sort of expectation someone might have. On the daily. Whether it's my boss, or a friend, or even a new family member.

SS and I have lived in our apartment for 6.5 years, and his brother has never been here. To be fair, we don't typically have people here because there's no parking, and it just gets too crowded when you have a bunch of people here, but, nonetheless, they've never been here. 

Fast forward to a few days ago, SS's mom mentioned something to me about it, and it made me realize that maybe it's time we invite them over. And then I immediately got nervous. 

What if they don't like our apartment? What if it smells funny to them and they want to leave right away? What if they don't like my decor and make fun of me when they leave? What if I missed something when cleaning and they see it? 

All these questions, and more, ran through my mind. Fear, that our house wouldn't be good enough for them to spend the afternoon or evening. 

All these thoughts and emotions ran through me for two days, and when I had breakfast with SS's folks this morning, I let it all spill out. I talked about my insecurities and how I felt as if I didn't measure up, and they pretty much told me to stop feeling that way, and move on. There was no reason to go through life every day worrying about what other people think. It wasn't worth the emotional stress it was putting my body through, and did nothing for my psyche. Plus, they're family. They're not going to judge us on the inside of our house. Unless of course we were living in a rundown, hole-in-the-floor, shack with bugs. That's different. I would expect them to judge. And judge hard

I'll let ya know how it goes!

No comments:

Post a Comment