Baby steps

You know those county fair attractions that strap a bungee to your back and make you run to get a prize, but the bungee always pulls you back so you never get the prize? I feel like that.

I feel like I've made big strides in the attempt to move on from the one breakup I regret. I've sought therapy to work on issues that have haunted me from my past, and I've given up one of my favorite extra curricular activities with one of my favorite people, all because I was starting to have feelings I couldn't control. These are supposed to be steps that make me feel better and make me a better person.

But then, out of nowhere, I get an urge. An urge to pick up the phone and call the one person I know I can't. The very person I'm trying to get over. The one person that, with one sentence, can make or break my day. I have thoughts of him answering the phone, elated because I called. I imagine him running towards me in an open field, finally able to admit he loves me and wants nobody but me. I picture us taking vacations together and making memories we can take with us forever. Just us.

And all-of-a-sudden, right as I'm about to say something, I get snapped back by the bungee. Probably because there's a higher power trying to tell me to stop. Normally I hear people say "if you don't tell someone how you feel, you might regret it forever. you might miss out on something." Unfortunately, in this instance, I do not think it'll do any good. I'm quite certain I'll be laughed at, and that is not something I can take. I'm delicate. My feelings hurt easily. I guess I'll just always wonder...

...what if...