Anger

From the very start, it's important that I get one thing straight. I am not to blame because I struggle with anger. I am not a bad person because I've forgotten, perhaps repeatedly, all my resolutions to be cool and calm. Rather, I am a person in pain. Whether the pain is occasional or chronic, when it hits, it feels overwhelming. It's a wave that drives me into a state of mind where nothing matters but expressing what I feel. I shout it out. No matter who gets hurt or whatever the consequences.

Anger is a way of coping. It helps, temporarily, to overcome the hurt and helplessness. For a moment, I feel back in control, and it's exactly why anger is so hard to control. If I try to "put a cork" in my anger, I will feel the pain that triggered it, and that is, after all, what I’m trying to avoid. Feeling the pain of the moment.

Learning how to control my anger hasn’t been easy. Plain. And. Simple. I started paying closer attention to it about four years ago. I was beginning to grasp the power that my anger had, and with the help of some friends, really turned some things around. There were, however, lots of areas that still needed help. I was nowhere near fixed. Over the last two years, working on anger issues kind of took a backseat to some other things that needed much more attention at the time. I find it easier to work on one issue at a time. Some friends of mine didn’t like that. I say too bad. It ain’t about you. And those people aren’t even in my life today. Awesome.

I am a constant work in progress. I accept this. Taking the hard road more often than not is rough, but it’s me. For now.

These last eight days of vacation, I’ve learned so many more things about myself. Most importantly, I’ve learned that anger doesn’t have a place is what I’m creating. The happiness that I seek out is much more enjoyable.