Letter to…

I was driving around at lunch today, and Garth Brooks’ song “If Tomorrow Never Comes” came on the radio. I’m not a Garth fan. Never have been. Never will be. I always change the channel when he comes on, but this time, I listened. And then I started to cry.

What if I never got to tell RM#1 how much I love the way she makes our house smell? What if our trash man never knew I hated the way he leaves our trash cans?

Dear RM#1: Your need to have the house smelling good ALL THE TIME, makes me happy. It’s always nice when I walk in and it doesn’t smell like eleven dogs and two cats live there. You’re amazing!

Dear Sis: Have fun in Arizona this weekend. Don’t worry about your dog or your kitties. I’ll take great care of them.

Dear Squid: I’m getting anxious about the Fontana NASCAR race in March. I’m going to cheer so loud for KB and MK, that people around us will hate us. And be happy because we got another person to go with us!   ;-)

Dear RJ: I wish you’d come around more. SS and I do some really fun things. I wish you wanted to participate, instead of sitting at your dads house playing computer games all the time.

Dear SS: I love that we don’t fight. I love that we don’t even argue. I can’t count the number of people that would be shocked about this. Perhaps maturity does go a long way. I suppose the fact that you’re not an asshole to me, you pay attention and make my needs important too, and you communicate well, helps. I love you and can’t wait to move in with you.

Dear Jeffy: Remember when we had that conversation about six years ago, and we agreed that we’d never let anyone come between us even if we broke up? I hate that you lied. I hate that I can’t call you and talk about cars. I hate that I can’t call you and talk about racing. I hate that I can’t call you to ask for advice on something that’s been driving me nuts for weeks. And I hate that I can’t housesit for you when you’re out of town (just to get away from MY house).

Dear Stupid Drivers: Why do you cause a traffic jam by slowing down when you approach an incline in the road? Downshift your car and GOOOO! It’ll work, I promise. Cars are awesome like that. And even if your car is an automatic, it’ll downshift for you. FIGURE IT OUT!!

Dear Temp that covered for me the three weeks I was out: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Enough from me for today. Enjoy your weekend!

Letter to…

Happy Hump Day, Y’all!  :-)

Today I decided I would write to individual people. Some won’t see it, but some will.

Dear Sis: You ran a half marathon. HALF MARATHON! Do you realize what I just said? M-A-R-A-T-H-O-N. 13.1 miles. That’s 13 miles more than I ran that day. I’m so proud of you. Your will to push through all the pain, inspires me. Next year, we’re running it together. I can’t wait.

Dear RM#1: I understand your OCD and constant need to have everything perfect and clean, but just once I’d like to leave a dish in the sink and not have you wash it before me. ;-)

Dear RM#2: I’m anxious for you to come back. When I heard you were coming back this month (two months early!!), I was shocked, yet happy. There are some manly things around the house that need to be done. Hurry home!

Dear Mom: I’m anxious and excited for your visit this month, but I wish you weren’t staying at the hotel across the street from Jeffy’s house.

Dear Squid: Get your shit together. Stop getting speeding tickets. It’s cutting into your extra spending for NASCAR races and Stagecoach.

Dear Boss#2: If you don’t stop losing your credit cards, I’m going to lose my mind. I can’t keep covering for you with Boss#1. Oh, and thanks for the surprise $100 bill. HELPFUL!

Dear Jeffy: I still think about you. A lot. When certain songs come on the radio, I’m forced to change the channel simply because I refuse to break down and cry for you anymore. And when David at work asks about you, he acknowledges the pain in my face. It’s a side of David you’d never believe existed. But it does.

Dear RJ: I wish you’d let ME teach you to drive. I’m a much better driver than your dad.

Dear Mitch: Whatever happens, happens. Be a man in either situation. Allow her to just be her, but don’t let her take advantage of you. Don’t push (unless it’s from behind). Don’t make her sad, but allow her to cry if she is.

Dear Stepdad: You better kick this Cancer bullshit. I won’t tolerate you letting Cancer beat you.

Dear Kyle Busch: It’s been a rough Chase, I get it, but keep your head up and take on Phoenix and Richmond like never before. It’s a big year for you. You’ve shown an incredible amount of restraint in a few situations that I’m aware of. I’ve done almost everything I can to recruit new KB fans. I’m still working on a few. #KBShow

Dear Matt Kenseth: Please beat Jimmie Johnson.

 

Empty Space

Hi Y’all. I’ve got nothing to say today. Nothing.

I wrote a goodbye message to close out the blog that I once had for Jeffy and I. Was hard to write some raw feelings, but I did it. He’ll never see it, but it’s therapeutic for me. Part of the healing process.

That’s all.

Happy Monday.

v

Loving him was red

Every morning, I arrive to work anywhere between 15 and 45 minutes early. Every day. During that time before heading into The Ranch, I sit in my car and smoke a joint mentally prepare myself for the next nine hours. I read through the emails on my phone, and answer any questions I can without having to look something up in the office. I don’t like going into a situation without having some sort of clue as to how the outcome will be. It’s just not my style.

Yesterday morning, I was sitting in my car just like any other day, and Blake Shelton’s new song (I put the lyrics on here back in April – click here to read them), started playing on XM.

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

I know the lyrics to this song. I heard it months ago when the album came out. And I fell in love with it way back then. But I was NOT prepared for what happened next.

Five words into the song, and I had tears streaming down my face. Ten words in, and my eyes were red. Seventeen words in, and I was in the middle of one of the biggest ugly cries I’ve ever had. Ever. Ever ever.

The words were piercing every part of my body. Every part of my existence was being thrashed around and pulled apart. And I couldn’t believe the amount of pain I was suddenly feeling.

“I’m feeling like this because of a song?”, I coherently thought to myself. “This is ridiculous. And needs to stop.”

I wiped the tears that were falling like anvils, but my fingers weren’t quick enough to keep up. My shirt was soaked, and I was a mess.

I looked at my phone to see what time it was, and remember thinking, “Cool. I still have twenty minutes to get myself together.”

I took a few deep breaths, continued to wipe the tears that were still falling on their own, and tried to drift my attention to the little rabbits that were playing right outside my car. But the lyrics were too strong. They played whether I wanted them to or not.

One hundred and ninety-six words in, I had my driver door open, and I sat leaning over with my face in my lap. Two hundred and four words in, and I had to shut it off. I couldn’t handle the pain that was radiating through my body. It had become unbearable.

I stood up and let the cool morning air dry my tears while I tried to regain some sort of grasp on what had just happened. Almost immediately I sat back down, and the tears were falling. One of our kennel guys was switching dogs around, and I know he could hear me. But I just didn’t care. I was in pain, and I didn’t give a damn who knew.

I finally grabbed all my stuff, along with my breakfast, and headed into the office. A few minutes later, one of the trainers pulled up. She came in, and immediately she could tell by my face that something was wrong. I wasn’t prepared to have a conversation with someone about it, and I knew she’d want to know what was wrong. But this time, she just walked up to me and hugged me and wouldn’t let go. She could see the pain in my face, and she knew all I needed was someone to tell me it was okay to cry. And I did. Loud. And it was FULL of pain.

I definitely do not want to go back down any roads I’ve already trudged, and I’m grateful that I know that, but I’m not going to lie. I fucking miss Jeffy. And I guess now I know it still is very raw.

And this is why

I did it. It’s done. Over with. Never have to see him again. <sigh>

Last night, Jeffy stopped by to pick up the stuff I had of his. It was a quick visit. Less than five minutes. Five minutes I wish I wasn’t there for.

I had been sitting out on the front porch, hanging out with the dogs. Wasn’t too hot out, so I let them run around the front for a while. The backyard gets boring to them, I’m sure. Different smells in the front keep them busy for hours.

I got up to do something in the bedroom, and I could hear his car pull up. Of course, on the ONE time I didn’t want to see him, he drove the ‘stang. Fucking figures.

He was already headed back to his car when I got back out front. Why I didn’t just leave it alone, I’ll never know. Why I had to go out there and say hi, I’ll never know. But I did.

He looked the same. And that made me smile. He smiled back, and I instantly felt my knees getting week. Something about that smile of his. I knew the best thing to do was wave goodbye and walk back into the house, but that’s not what I did. Nope. Val never takes the easy route. Instead, I stood there, listening to him tell me about places he had been and was headed to for work, and about cars he had been playing with. I felt a feeling of happiness for him. Happy to see him so thrilled and excited about work. After watching him suffer through the school district and then the dental lab, he deserves this happiness. And although I’m not there to reap the benefits, I’m happy that I watched him transform into a successful person.

He fired up the car, and I got chills. There’s just something about that car that has always turned me on. And I think he knows that.

As he drove away, I stood there listening to the sound of American Muscle fade into the wind, wishing he’d turn around and profess his love for me. I cried. Right there on the front porch. Knowing I wouldn’t ever see him again, tugged at my heart harder than I figured it would.

I fucking miss him. Yep. I sure do.

Unfiltered Thoughts

Today, I’m back at one of my favorite houses to housesit. I’m still holding on to the stuff that belongs to Jeffy, and figured I’d let him know that for the next five weeks, he shouldn’t attempt to pick it up from my house. I won’t be there.

I casually mentioned that I wondered why he still looked at this blog (seeing how neither of us want anything to do with the other), but the response I got was generic. Not what I had actually hoped he would say. But that’s typical Jeffy. Rarely said anything I actually wanted to hear. :-/

Here’s some unfiltered thoughts…

8:30am call time is no big deal. Having to be at the ranch by 6am to load animals isn’t the worst thing that could happen on a Friday. Shut the hell up and just do your job.

I will never stop calling him Jeffy.

I’m so sick and tired of hearing production people say that a Boxer is too vicious looking to represent their dog food. Boxers eat dog food too. And you know what? Most Boxer owners I know, would LOVE to see their favorite breed represented. Just sayin’.

It gives me anxiety when I think about having to see Jeffy face to face. I know what feelings will come flooding to the surface when I see him. I know what thoughts will run through my head, and I know what naughty things I’ll want him to do to me. I wish I could leave the stuff on the front porch in a bag, but I know better. He’d be mad that I left his stuff sitting around unsupervised. Can’t say I blame him.

Every time I look out my office window at my car, I get tears in my eyes. I’m very sad that she’s hurting. I’m very sad that I’ll have to get rid of her. Very very sad. Especially since I’m beyond nervous about having a car payment. Haven’t had one of those since I was married. (Damn divorces.)

I fucking miss him. I’m not gonna lie. I miss him A LOT. It’s normal, I know. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him back in my life, I just miss him. I miss talking about NASCAR. I miss sharing stories about new animals brought to the house. I miss asking questions that I know will get me a 15 minute lesson. I just fucking miss it.

I had a small vacation to San Francisco planned, but ended up having to pull out of it. I was really looking forward to seeing Alcatraz. Haven’t ever been there. And there’s just something special about San Fran that I love. But, with a new car payment in my near future, a trip just isn’t in the cards. (Being adult enough to know that, kinda sucks.)

My dad has guns that he wants to sell. Oh how I wish I was able to possess them. I would kindly take them off his hands. Darn felony laws. :-/

That’s enough thoughts for one day. Tomorrow I’ll tell you about the baby owl at our house.

Race Day

Ever since the final lap of the Homestead Miami race in November, I've been anticipating the return of NASCAR. Although the off season is fairly short, to a die hard fan like me, it seems a lot longer than it is.

When Jeffy said to me, "Wanna go watch me drift the Mustang on Sunday?", it suddenly became a reality, that I wouldn't be watching the Daytona 500 live with the rest of America. Imagine my annoyance at hearing Kyle's engine blew AND Jimmie won. Ugh!

So, from the passenger seat of a '68 GT/CS Mustang, I give you my Sunday....

Happy Hump Day, y'all!

In progress

Jeffy recently bought a condo, so the move-in/custom touches have begun. And to be honest, I'm having a ball!! I'm no Martha Stewart, I promise, but together, we are finding common ground.

We spent two complete days making sure all the appliances fit correctly (after having to make a few changes to the wall behind each item), and painting cabinets.

Before...

After...



Countertops will eventually be changed, we're currently looking for something cool to do to the backsplash, and all the sink fixtures in the kitchen and both bathrooms, have GOT to go. Next weekend, that's what we're replacing.

He left to go install another machine in NorCal this morning, so I've got the place to myself for a few days. Excited about that.

xo

Enjoy Brazil!

Jeffy has gone to Brazil.

Just another job of installing large machinery, but this time, it's in Brazil.

I hope your trip is amazing. And I hope you get to visit LOTS of cool places.

Take pictures! I can't wait to see you when you get home.

xo

Marti went in for a little surgery.

Monday. 6:30PM. Dark. Rainy.

Going uphill on a two lane freeway at about 80mph, weaving in and out of traffic like it was all standing still. There’s finally an additional lane up ahead and I jump the gas early to take advantage of the easy left side pass.

I complete the pass with ease, and continue up the hill to pass another car or two before I get back over (allowing the guy behind me to go even faster than I - such a nice driver I am). Just as I’m about to pass the final car, mine died. Right in the fast lane. I went from 80ish, to 30ish VERY fast. Because I’m constantly aware of my surrounding, and where every car is, I knew exactly when I could quickly pull across two lanes of traffic to get to the right shoulder without causing any other car on the road to even reduce speed. All while trying to avoid the back end slam of the guy behind me.

I had a really strong suspicion I knew what was wrong. JK and I had discussed it the last time work was done on my car. Timing chain needed desperately to be replaced, but we were going to go ahead and wait for it to break, then put an entire new engine in.

Finally off to the side of the road, my first phone call was to JK (who was out of state on a job). Sad face for me. He giggled about how upset I seemed, and don’t really think he put much thought into the situation until I began to cry. Sitting on the side of a freeway with remnants of rush hour cars (going 60-90mph). In the dark. In the rain. Just how I wanted my Monday evening to end.

I called AAA. Thank goodness for them. I had a pleasant Roadside Assistance Truck pull over and offer to help, and a very sexy Highway Patrol Office stop to make sure I was okay. I kept myself entertained by playing on my phone and chatting with JK. With him out of town, I was on my own to make things happen. He made arrangements with my mechanic (one of his best friends) to store and start work on the new engine replacement right away. I called Sis and asked if she’d pick me up and take me to the ranch so I could get a van to drive temporarily.

One and a half hours later, they finally showed up to tow my car.

Y’all…this is the awesome van I drove for FOUR days. (Does that sound sarcastic enough?) It’s a work van that doesn’t get used for anything other than misc jobs around The Ranch. It was lovingly dubbed “The Surfer Van”, by all the trainers. However, those of us that have had to drive it and endure the stares of those around us, we call it “The Rapist Van”. I suppose it wouldn’t have been so bad if the driver door handle was operable. Getting in and out on the passenger side, made it even more easy for others to laugh at me.

I watched the new engine go in. Let me tell you something, if you aren’t in to cars, or have any knowledge about how some things make your car run, the only thing I can compare it to is the human heart. When one performs a heart surgery, there are very precise steps that must be taken. Certain things need to be hooked back up a certain way. Well, same goes for a new engine. It took about 2.5hrs for the guys to do it. I sat back and watched the magic happen. I shed a tear when she finally started up. It was like she’d been brought back to life. I was happy.

Unfortunately, a broken wheel mount forced me to leave her at the shop one more day. Bummer. But, I was overly excited when I drove her away the next day. She was back under my control. And all I wanted to do was drive her.

Sis needed to do a few errands that day, and since I needed to break in the new engine, I picked her up and we ran them together.

It’s been about 500 miles and she’s going strong. Pretty cool to go from 209,000+ to a whole lot less. Almost makes me feel like I’m driving a new car. Except for all the rattles, of course. What WOULD I do without the sound of rattling?

I’m glad to have Marti back….

 

The Future

As a little girl, I grew up thinking about the Knight In Shining Armor that would come rescue me from the life I was dealt. I wanted someone that would swoop me away from my abusive dad, and be sympathetic when I acted like he did. I wanted someone to bring me roses, and tell me that I'll never be like my mother. No matter how much I looked like her, I just wouldn't be. 

As my life developed into adulthood, I began to quickly realize I wasn't finding my Knight in Shining Armor as easily as I had hoped. I looked and looked and looked, sampling many of the different options, but alas, didn't find my Knight. I mistakenly took my Knight for a Joker in a Knight outfit once. That was seven years of life lesson after life lesson. Maybe he missed a flight so I didn't see him at the airport. Maybe he fell out of a hot air balloon and was stuck in a tree.

About seven months ago, I had a real long talk with my bff @ work. He sat me down and made a few things real clear. I, at the time, was 33, and wasn't getting any younger. My life had taken a turn when JK and I broke up a few months earlier, and bff @ work was here to tell me it was time to stop searching for that silly Knight. He told me that it was okay to be alone. He told me that it was okay to establish myself. He told me that eating alone in restaurants, isn't a bad thing. It doesn't mean you're lonely. It doesn't mean you have no friends. And he promised, that people didn't judge me for it. 

A few days later, bff @ work lost his wife. That was huge for me. When I sat in his living room and watched him fall to his knees in tears in front of a house full of people, I was even more confused. I felt as if I never wanted to be close to anyone again for fear that THIS VERY SITUATION would happen to me. So, for the next week or so, I pushed people away. I alienated myself from the world. And my walls went up with padlocks. 

I remember the day I looked in the mirror and told myself that things were about to change. I remember that day very clearly. Two days later, my roomies and I moved into this great big house, and I left the stuff behind that troubled me. I brought none of it with me. And with that, I allowed the one person (Jeffy) back into my life that kept knocking on my walls and trying to break those padlocks with a crowbar.

From time to time, I sit and reflect on where my life will go from here. I'm 34 and still living with roommates, unable to afford housing on my own. The desires I once had as a growing girl, seem to be so far out of reach, it's almost discouraging. A husband. A house with a picket fence. A dog chasing a little kid. All things I so desperately want, falling farther and farther away from me. 

I guess I'll need to start looking in trees.....

Dinner.

K Mo, my other bff @ work, but female (Yep. Believe it. I'm friends with a girl. Shhhh.), wanted to go out to dinner for my birthday. There were six of us.

K Mo and her boyfriend didn't know anyone else but me, so we decided to play 101 questions. You know, each ask a question, everyone takes turns answering. A bit of a dangerous game, if you ask me. 

Not real sure who asked it, but the question was "if you could kill anyone, who would it be?". Each person had an answer. Some plausible. Some....not.

It gets to JK, and he says "your father", in response to something Sis said. 

Whoa!  Not even *I* have said those words. And if there's anyone that should say it, it would be me. :-(

I was so shocked, I didn't know how to react. I continued in with the conversation to avoid any topic issues, but continued to be bothered by it. Being three beers in, I know for certain I would cause a fight. Not interested. 

Honestly, I was hurt. I felt like saying "how dare you". I totally understood his thought and meaning behind it, but still, how dare he. 

I'm still, five days later, irritated about it. I know I need to say something. It's the only thing to do. I know, I know. 

An apology isn't what I want, but asking him to not feel that way, isn't my intention either. 

Sometimes, adult conversations aren't fun. :(

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday!!

Finally!

 

 

Look what I finally got! Woo hoo. Who would have ever thought I'd have a chance to go out of the country? Certainly not me. 

 

New printer!

 Got a new printer at work this week. Yay for new electronics! I'm just a crazy printing fool, now. :-)

 

Brando

 This little guy rocks my world. He follows me around, and chats with me about how his days are. He's a little needy, but I don't mind. He's my kind of fun.

 

Happy Halloween!

 Here's the color for Halloween! I originally thought about having spiderwebs painted over the orange, instead of the black stripe on the top, but I didn't have the kind of time it would have taken, so I opted for this. Still cool, right?

 

It's the weekend, and I plan on spending it sleeping, playing with my Jeffy, getting some MUCH needed car repairs done, and eating. 

 

I. Can't. Wait.

 

What are YOU doing this weekend? Anything fun? 

From Sick to Fun.

Hi Readers. Long time no talk. I hope you're still out there.

Last Thursday was a rough day. I woke up with a very sore throat and a cough I couldn't seem to shake. Meds, meds, and more meds. Nothing seemed to be helping except the soothingness of a few Honey Cough Drops. I sucked on them all day, and vowed I was going to stay home on Friday and get better.

Unfortunately, my desire to keep things running smoothly in my office outweighed my need to get better. I went into the office against my better judgement. I struggled through the day with a pounding headache that got worse with every coughing fit. :-(

All I wanted to do was go to sleep. I wanted to lay down and not have to stand up. Jeffy told me to come stay the weekend with him and he would take care of me. Aww.

I got to his house after work and collapsed on the bed. We went and had a fabulous dinner, I came back and took some NyQuil, and was knocked out by 11:30p. Best part? I slept until 2:00p Saturday afternoon. I woke up feeling MUCH better. My cough lingered a little, but with the aid of the Honey drops, I had no sore throat. Score!!

We ran a few errands, I watched Jeffy and his friends shoot at clay pigeons, and called it a day. My plan to feel better over the weekend was working. Yay!

Bad day to be a pigeon.

Around 9:00pm, I started to get hungry. We decided I was feeling good enough to go out to dinner, so we hopped into the car and drove straight towards one of my favorite places. We didn't make it there.

Mid drive, Jeffy's phone rang. "Want to go see the Space Shuttle??" said a voice real loud.

Without a second of hesitation, Jeffy knew this would be something I'd love. So we drove, towards downtown LA.

:-)

With a father that worked in the space industry for 30+ years, I can't help but feel a little bit connected. I remember my dad spending weeks at a time in Florida helping to build the Space Shuttle Discovery. This one wasn't Discovery, but it brought back some emotions I didn't expect to have.

The crowds were amazing. Who would have thought, that in the middle of one of the worst spots in LA (at 3:00am), there would be people of all ages, races, and religions, joined together to smile. As I stood up on a tall wall to get a better view, I looked around at all the happy people taking pictures and chatting. I stared with tears in my eyes.

She's one of the most beautiful pieces of machinery.

Space Shuttle Endeavour's final resting place will be the California Science Center, where it will be displayed in FULL LAUNCH POSITION in a few years. I'm grateful I was able to see this amazing piece of history. Up close and personal.

13/30 Things: Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

RJ. I cry when I think about all the time I lost with RJ. The years of not tucking him in at night. The years of no school pictures. The years of no communication at all. When these thoughts come to mind, I hide in a corner or curl up in bed, and refuse to do anything else.

 

I’m impatient. I get annoyed at slow drivers. I get annoyed at slow checkers at the grocery store. I get annoyed at slow bank tellers. I get annoyed at slow typists. I’m constantly wanting to do things fast, and you slow people get in my way. Maybe it’s time to slow down. Just a bit.

 

Ramen & Udon. These two melt my heart. I’d do anything for these two. Strange to hear from someone who doesn’t like animals, I know, but they, for one reason or another, make me  happy. Maybe it’s because they don’t shed. Maybe it’s because they don’t lick my face when I get close to them. Maybe it’s because they are well behaved. Whatever it is, they make me stop in my tracks. No matter what kind of mood I’m in, I always have a moment to stop and give hugs and kisses to these two. ♥♥♥

 

Rude. I can be rude. If someone is rude to me, I can be more rude, right back. I don’t tend to sugar coat conversations, and I do not spend a lot of time “gossiping”. If I call someone to give them some information, I don’t need to carry on a useless conversation about their sick Aunt Sally. If you’re not someone I converse with on a daily basis, then chance are I don’t even know you have an Aunt Sally, rendering the conversation a waste of time. This comes across as rude to most people.

 

JK. He is one of my biggest weaknesses (and I his). This weakness is fun!

 

USS Iowa Battleship: Part 2

As promised, we went back. JK made good on his word.

This time, we brought along JK’s boss. What a FUN guy!!

 

Look at how big these guns were.

 

This ship is HUGE!

 

47 crewmen lost their lives when black powder was past its shelf life.  :-(

 

*I* was the next important person on this ship…

 

…and THIS is what happens when you don’t follow the rules…

 

I love this man…

The next ship we’ll visit is the Queen Mary. JK wants to visit during Halloween, when they have the big haunted house. Dark Harbor <----- read about it here.

9/30 Things: List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

In no particular order….

RJ: He makes me a better person. He gives me confidence that I can do anything. He makes me feel invincible.

BFF@work: He influences me to relax when I’m not working. He pushes me to enjoy time off and not let things beyond my control, control me.

StepDad: He raised me. Enough said.

JK: He makes me want to be a better girlfriend. ;-)

Sis: She influences me to play with her cats. Even if I don’t want to.

Squid: He influences me to be lazy. He’s one of my favorite people with whom to be lazy.

Mom: She taught me that hard work doesn’t always equal happiness.

Dad: Taught me about the kind of person I don’t want to be. He showed me an example of how unhappy life can be when you push everyone around you away.

Boss#1: He’s taught me the most about money.

DD: She is the one person, that makes me work hardest. She expects the most from me while I’m in the office. She doesn’t allow me to slack off. She is one of my closest friends.

USS Iowa Battleship

Last weekend, while chatting with an LAPD cop friend, he mentioned there was going to be a fundraiser aboard the USS Iowa Battleship “The Big Stick”. The excitement that came across my face must have been obvious, so JK made it his goal to show me a good time.

The ship was amazing. Just look….

 

There was a raffle. JK won a really nice humidor with a bunch of cigars inside. He doesn’t smoke cigars (or anything else, for that matter), so it made a really nice gift to his neighbor.

I won a jacket. And here it is…

We didn’t get to walk through the ship, so I decided to keep drinking. Five of these bad boys, and my evening was just getting started. They gave us tickets to come back during regular hours, so we have already made plans for next weekend. Can’t wait!

View from the ship.

 

Great date night. Thank you, JK.

A Small Note to a Friend

Dear JK,

Six years. That's longer than some presidents stay in office. That's longer than either of us have driven any one car. It's longer than any job I've held, and it's longer than my first marriage lasted.

Whoa at the conversations we've had, the secrets we've shared, and the memories we've made. Unforgettable moments I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Some don't understand. Some are completely baffled at the kind of relationship we have. Some, do not accept it. To all of them, I say, "Oh well."

When bff@work lost his wife, it put things in perspective for me. It made me realize, that no matter how things had played out in the past for us, there wasn't any way I wanted to go the rest of my life, without you being a part of it. It didn't matter what part you played, I just wanted you to be there. This is why, after such a hurtful parting back in March, I agreed to start talking again. I want to continue to share our love for racing, and our desire to eat everywhere we go. And if there's another opportunity to sit up in the press box alone, I'll make another memory you'll never forget. ;-)

The past can be a shady thing. It can also be one of the defining moments in a time frame. My past has brought me where I am today. It has taught me so much. The conversations we have today, are MUCH more complex, deep, and detailed than they were six years ago. Perhaps we've ironed out all the kinks? Perhaps the hate, guilt, fear, or pain has gone away. Perhaps.

No matter which road our life choice takes us, I hope it's one we can walk together. If not hand-in-hand, maybe side-by-side.

I love you.
v

Live & Learn

As I get older and my relationships with people change, I learn more and more. I don't just go through life taking for granted everything that happens and never learning from mistakes or wrong decisions I've made. It's not how I was raised, and it's not how I've lived my life thus far.

The very first time I met JK, he got me into trouble at work. It was minor, and I laugh about it today, but it was trouble nonetheless. Perhaps it was his way of saying "notice me". Who knows. Whatever it was, I remember thinking to myself, "Why has this person been put into my life?" After six very long and exhausting years, I was finally able to answer that question.

The very first time I met Squid, I laughed. My then stepdaughters and I continually made fun of his nickname and couldn't believe this was the guy Sis was dating. I even remember saying to one of my stepdaughters, "I hope he's not around long." It's been seven years, and every day I'm reminded about how grateful I am to have him still in my life today. 

The very first time I met bff@work, he came into my office being loud and obnoxious, demanding something I couldn't provide to him. I was annoyed and remember thinking, "What did I do NOW?" Four years later, I have that answer too.

My point is, it may not be right away, but eventually there does come a time when things just become obvious. And I like that. It's so much easier to understand something when the answers are right in front of me. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I'm just not smart enough to figure it out on my own.

-v